Joshua 1 - Joshua gets tired of waiting and forms an angry mob

Synopsis:

Moses dies and Joshua, the son of one of Moses’ ministers, takes control per God’s request and he tells everyone they are finally going to go to war to and get the land God promised them years ago. The men pledge their allegiance to Joshua and agree that if anyone disagrees with Joshua, they will be killed.

Or to put it another way:

Moses dies and there is a power vacuum. Joshua angles to replace Moses by claiming he is God’s chosen successor.  He gather around him a mob of angry young men who support him and they declare that anyone who disagrees with Joshua’s claims to religious authority is to be killed and oh yeah, let’s start a war!

Favorite bit:

(Joshua 1:8) God tells Joshua not to talk about His commandments, but to simply meditate on them so he can follow them properly. I like this because God is basically telling Joshua, don’t use My laws to bully others into doing what you think they should do. These are rules for you personally to follow and if you do, things will work out ok. In other words, God is basically saying, don’t be a holier than thou jerk.

What’s annoying:

(Joshua 1:6) God promises to finally give them the land he had promised to give their fathers but didn’t. Not sure I would have believed him, after all, he didn’t fulfill his promise to their fathers, why should now be any different.

Verse most likely to be quoted out of context:

(Joshua 1:9) “Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed; for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest.” This is a clearly a very moving quote that I would guess most people would like to think applies to them personally. In context, however, it doesn’t. It applies only and specifically to Joshua because in context God is speaking directly to Joshua to convince Joshua to take over for Moses as God’s appointed leader on earth. In other words, this is a personal covenant between God and Joshua. The folks that follow Moses/Joshua aren’t included.

Moral Lesson:

People who claim to rule by divine right don’t like having their authority challenged.

And/Or ... You can’t really wait for God to fulfill his promises on his own. If you want something, you are eventually going to have to do it yourself.

Joshua 2 - You can't trust a spy

Synopsis:

Joshua sends a couple of guys to Jericho to spy and find out what they can. The spies go to a harlot’s house and word gets out that they are there so the King of Jericho sends men out to find them. The harlot hides the men and lies to the king’s men telling them that the men they are looking for left already and if they are quick, they can catch them.  So the king’s men, for some reason, believe the harlot and leave in pursuit. She then asks Joshua’s spies to spare her and her family when they attack the city. The spies say sure, tie this red ribbon to your window and we will spare anyone in the house. If you or anyone leave, we will kill you and if you tell anyone that we are going to spare the people in your house, we will kill you.

Or to put it another way:

Joshua sends a couple of spies out who spend their time with a harlot and don’t really get any real spying done, but they come back with a good story to tell their boss.

Favorite Bit

Joshua 2:5 I loved it when the harlot lies to the king’s men and basically says you just missed them. If you hurry, you can catch up to them. Go quickly!

What’s Annoying:

Joshua 2:17-20. She was nice enough to save their lives and when she asks them to save hers in return, they say sure, and then they threaten her and all her loved ones with death should she step out of line. They just seem like mean thugs.

Moral Lesson:

You can’t trust a spy. They lie for a living and they’ll kill you if they get a chance.

Joshua 3 - Crossing the river with an awesome ark

Synopsis

Joshua takes everyone to the River Jordan and they camp there for a few days. God tells Joshua to organize a procession using the ark of the covenant because He is going to part the waters of the Jordan so that the Israelites can cross it safely. And it’s going to be such a cool display of Godly power that God promises Joshua it will make the Canaanites, the  Hittites, the Hivites, the Perizzites, the Girgashites, the Amorites and the Jebusites all fall before Joshua’s army.

Or to put it another way:

They decide they want to cross the river Jordan to make camp near Jericho so they organize themselves to make a crossing.

Favorite bit

(Joshua 3:10) It’s a really cool list of names of groups that God is going to smite on behalf of the Israelites. This isn’t a minor land grab.  God promises to help them conquer six separate empires. The land God is telling them to conquer is huge!  (Spoiler alert - they don't come anywhere close to conquering all those lands)

What’s annoying

(Joshua 3:4) It’s unnecessarily specific to tell us exactly how much space there has to be between the ark and the rabble following the ark. 2,000 cubits is required in case you were wondering.

Moral Lesson

Honestly – I’m not sure what we are supposed to get out of this chapter except that the ark is pretty freakin’ awesome. (Joshua 3:15, 16)

Joshua 4 - Don't forget we crossed a river without getting our feet wet

Synopsis

With the priests holding the ark of the covenant in the middle of the river Jordan and with the waters parted as a result, the Israelites cross the river bed and don’t get their feet wet. However, one man from each of the tribes is told to stop and get a rock from the river bed right where the priests are standing. These rocks are to be placed at their campsite that evening to remind everyone about the miracle at the river Jordan. Joshua then stacks up 12 rocks where the priests are standing in the middle of the river bed to make a monument where the crossing occurred, these rocks are supposed to still be there, according to the Bible anyway. And when all this is done, the priests leave the river bed and the river flows once more. We are told this show of Godly force was done to make sure that all the people of the earth fear God.

Or to put it another way:

They managed to cross the river and they collected rocks as souvenirs.

Favorite bit

I don’t have one.

What’s annoying

It’s a bit repetitive. This chapter basically tells the story of the stones collected three different times. I’m not even going to provide you with a quote.

Verse most likely to be quoted out of context

(Joshua 4:24)" That all the people of the earth might know the hand of the Lord, that it is mighty: that ye might fear the Lord your God for ever." If you are leading an army that is claiming to have God on your side, this is a quote you will want to consider putting on your uniforms or in your logo somewhere. However, in context, it comes off as God boasting a bit.

Moral Lesson

Keeping reminders of special events is important.

Joshua 5 - God doesn't like shoes or foreskins

Synopsis:

The Amorites and the Canaanites hear about the parting of the Jordan and their hearts melt. God then tells Joshua to sharpen some knives to circumcise all the men, because none of them that had been born in the desert were circumcised and all the guys who had left Egypt and had been had died in the battles, so, long story short, there was a mass circumcision. Once everyone recovered, they started eating the corn of Canaan and they had no more manna anymore. Joshua gets visited by a Captain of God’s army and he has to take his shoes off.

Or to put it another way:

They sharpen knives and cut the foreskin off every single man and call the place foreskin hill. They finally get to eat something other than manna.

Favorite bit:

God apparently doesn’t like shoes (Joshua 5:15)

Interesting bit:

It’s Passover time (Joshua 6:10)

Moral Lesson Learned:

If you are going to circumcise someone, make sure the knife is sharp (Joshua 5:2)

Joshua 6 - Genocide at Jericho

Synopsis:

Joshua commands his army and priests to march the Ark around Jericho every day for 6 days. They are not to say a word, but the priests are to blow their horns. On the 7^th day, they march around the city 7 times with the priests blowing their horns. At the end of that everyone screams and the walls come down. They army goes in and kills everyone. Every man, woman, child, and sheep. The only people spared are Rahab, the harlot who sheltered the spies, and her family. The men are told to loot the city, but everything of value they find belongs to God.

In other words:

 They marched around the city blowing horns for 7 days, screamed and the wall came down. They killed everyone, burnt the city to the ground and kept all the treasure for themselves.

Favorite bit:

Joshua 6:21  - “And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox and sheep and ass with the edge of the sword.” In other words, nothing alive was spared, they were brutal.

Most annoying bit:

Joshua 6:26 – we aren’t really given a reason why the city is burnt to the ground and everyone killed aside from the fact the city existed and Joshua wanted to prove a point. Seems a bit maniacal to me to be perfectly honest. People who do these sorts of things nowadays are tried as war criminals.

Moral Lesson:

Psychotic dictators are capable of amazing brutality.

Joshua 7 - The Greedy Bastard

Synopsis:

Joshua and his men try to take the city of Ai with only a few thousand men. The problem is that some guy named Achan of the tribe of Judah had taken some of the treasure from Jericho for himself. God was mad at this and allowed the men of Ai to defeat the Israelites. God tells Joshua that someone has sinned and tells Joshua to figure out who it is and get his gold back. Joshua gets Achan to confess and gets the treasure back for “God” and kills Achan’s entire family, his sons and daughters and his ox by stoning and burning alive. 

Or, to put it another way:

The psychotic dictator, who is ordering people to kill and steal on his behalf, goes ballistic when someone steals from him. 

Favorite bit:

Joshua 7:1 – I love the names. Achan, son of Carmi, son of Zabdi, son of Zerah. T

Why I like this chapter:

I like this chapter because in the first verse (Joshua 7:1) we are told, Achan and his family “committed a trespass in the accursed thing” and we don’t find out until later exactly what the accursed thing is. Turns out, he took a robe and some gold for himself during the looting, which doesn’t seem heinous or “accursed” at all. But this chapter is great because it does keep you guessing. What on earth could have gotten God that mad? Really? He’s mad because he told people to steal the gold, they steal the gold, but he kept it from him and that’s a sin and an accursed thing? Really?

Least favorite bit:

Joshua 7: 10 thru 15 – I really dislike it when political leaders invoke God as the reason for their brutality.

Moral Lesson Learned:

Seriously, don’t allow psychotic people to rule over you. They are really incredibly brutal and they will find ways to justify their horrid actions, even if it means telling everyone God wants me to do this.

Joshua 8: Ai Ambushed

Synopsis:

Joshua shows his strategic abilities and now sends 30,000 men to lie in ambush while he and the others encourage the men of Ai to come out and fight. When the men of Ai come out, Joshua and his band run away, and the people of Ai follow. Which is when the 30,000 men lying in ambush take the city and burn it to the ground. Joshua and his men turn around and continue the fight killing everyone and hanging the king in a tree. After killing all the men and women and taking the cattle and gold, they build a alter out of stones and Joshua writes down the entire Law of Moses and then recites it aloud, the blessings and the curses.

Or, to put it another way:

Since it took over 30,000 people to conquer Ai, it is pretty clear now that Joshua set up the 2,000 men he sent out before to fail in order to make a point that if you steal you will harm everyone. Regardless, having made that point, he is now free to properly lay seige to Ai, which he does with a great bit of military strategy.

Favorite Bit:

Joshua 8:34 “And afterward he read all the words of the law, the blessings and cursings, according to all that is written in the book of the law.”  I just find it funny that the book of laws has both blessings and cursings.

Least favorite bit:

Joshua 8:29 – finding out that when they took the king, they hung him and then threw his carcass at the entrance to the city they had just burned. It’s kind of gross and brutal.

Moral Lesson:

Just because someone is a crazy homicidal dictator doesn’t mean they can’t think strategically.

Joshua 9: Fear and Lies from Gibeon

Synopsis:

After what happened to Jericho and Ai, all the other leaders of neighboring areas were now concerned about Joshua and the Israelites. They all decided to band together to fight them in common cause. However, the folks at Gibeon were too afraid to fight them. So they sent ambassadors there who pretended to be from a land far, far away. They even took moldy bread with them to prove how far they had come. They offered up their services and Joshua accepted them. But then they found out they were actually from Gibeon. The masses wanted to kill them, but Joshua and his princes had already promised not to kill them. Long story short, they were allowed to become servants to the people of Israel.

To put it another way:

Neighboring kingdoms were afraid, one group made peace with Joshua by lying to him. He forgave them.

Favorite bit:

Joshua 9:5 “And old shoes and clouted upon their feet, and old garments upon them; and all the bread of their provision was dry and mouldy.” Gibeonites: See, we can’t be from around these parts, our bread is moldy.  Joshua: Well gosh – you must be telling the truth.

Moral Lesson:

Lying to a homicidal dictator can save your life. It is therefore not only permissible, it is advisable under these circumstances. 

Joshua 10: A great war begins

Synopsis:

The king of Jerusalem Adonizedek (great name), is now worried because Ai was a greater city than Jerusalem. So he calls 5 neighboring kings together and the plan is to attack Gibeon. It doesn’t work. they are routed and killed because a bunch of their men die in a hailstorm. The kings take refuge in a cave. In the meantime, Joshua asks for the sun and moon to stand still so that the people of Gibeon can take revenge on the people who attacked them. Meanwhile the kings are found by Joshua’s men, hanged and dumped back into the cave. Joshua then takes all the cities and kills everyone in them.

Or, to put it another way:

Neighboring kingdoms go on the offensive and fail. Joshua continues his genocidal rampage.

Favorite bit:

Joshua 10: 11, 12 – basically – I loved the hailstorm and the sun and the moon bit. Very cool.

Least favorite bit:

All the rest. It is basically a fairly long chapter and all that happens is a recitation of cities that Joshua destroys “utterly and all the souls that were therein.” (Joshua 10:37).  It seems REALLY a bit much to kill every man, woman and child in 5 towns (7 if you count the other 2 cities destroyed in previous chapters).

Moral Lesson:

Not sure exactly – again, this is about a brutal despot bent on killing anyone and everyone he comes across.

Joshua 11: Joshua conquers modern day Israel

Synopsis:

More kings rise up against him. A great battle takes place next to the waters of Merom. Joshua wins. He takes all the major cities, kills everyone it them and basically takes over the entire area we now know as Israel. Once this was done, the wars were apparently over.

Favorite part:

It has to be the geography. I can see these places on a map and you can basically chart the campaign if you like. A bit geeky, but whatever.

Least favorite bit:

Again, do they have to kill everyone and leave no one left breathing?

Moral Lesson:

Same as chapter 10 – brutal dictators are brutal. 

Joshua 12: Recap the Campaign

Synopsis:

This chapter basically recaps all the victories that Joshua and his predecessor achieved. 31 kings in all were killed and cities destroyed.

Best bit:

That they recapped the previous two chapters in a list form. It’s a nice concise list. I like that.

Moral lesson:

There is none. Joshua was apparently a great military strategist even though he “smote” everyone he came up against.

Joshua 13: Spoils of war divided

Synopsis:

Joshua is old so God basically tells him there is a lot of land you didn’t conquer. However, what land you did conquer needs to be divided up between all the different tribes of Israel and the rest of this chapter spells that out. The only tribe that doesn’t get land is the tribe of Levi whose inheritance was God himself.

Or to put it another way:

Joshua is old and ill. The campaign for land can’t continue. He doesn’t seem to have an heir, so the land is divided up amongst all the tribes, except for the tribe of Levi which gets bupkis.

Favorite bit:

Joshua 13:33 “But unto the tribe of Levi Moses gave not any inheritance: the Lord God of Israel was their inheritance, as he said unto them.” Why did Levi get nothing? Seriously – even the half tribe of Manasseh got waterfront property.

Moral Lesson:

You gotta stand up for yourself when spoils of war are being divided, otherwise you will get bupkis.

Joshua 14: Caleb talks Joshua into giving him Hebron

Synopsis:

This chapter is a discussion about how the land was divided up the way it was. Apparently, there wasn’t enough land to go around which is why the Levites didn’t get any land. It turns out that the children of Joseph had divided into two tribes. They were nice enough to allow the Levites to live among them though. However, Caleb – who was a child of Judah, told Joshua about how Moses has specifically promised him Hebron and as he was still alive to see the time when the city was taken, he should be given it. Joshua agrees.

Best bit:

Joshua 14:10  This is where Caleb tells his story. To paraphrase: The lord has kept me alive for 45 years, ever since Moses promised me this land. 45 years I tell ya!

Moral Lesson:

Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want.
And, a good story with a little bit of guilt never hurts.

Joshua 15: Caleb takes control of his land

Synopsis:

This chapter is mostly a description of the exact land that Caleb received. The problem is that some of the cities had not yet been pacified. So he tells his men that whoever smites the town of Kirjathsepher can have his daughter, Achsah, as his wife. A man named Othniel took the city and won Achsah. Achsah asks Caleb if their territory can include the springs. Caleb consents. The rest of the chapter is a listing of the exact cities and towns under Caleb’s control. The big problem is that they were unable to drive out the Jebusites in Jerusalem, but apparently, they made a peace agreement and the children of Judah and the Jebusites lives side by side without any problem.

In other words:

This is a listing of what land was included in Caleb’s grant. And he gave his daughter away.

What I found interesting:

Even though they controlled the land, they still had to subdue certain towns to take over local control.

Best bit:

Again, has to be geography. This first part of this chapter is a land survey description that is quite detailed. So, you can plot this out on a map if you wanted to.

Moral lesson:

In any land deal, make sure your surveys are accurate.

and/or

Be nice to the people you conquer. 

Joshua Chapter 16: What did the Tribes of Joseph Get?

Synopsis:

The 3 tribes of Joseph get their land. Each gets a section. They don’t bother to drive out the Canaanites. They allow them to live there under tribute.

In other words:

This is another land survey.

Typical Quote:

(Joshua 16:2) “And goeth out from Bethel to Luz and passeth along unto the borders of Archi to Ataroth.”

What I liked:

They didn’t kill the people in the towns they took over. That was a nice change from the previous massacres. (Joshua 16: 10)

Moral Lesson:

It isn’t necessary to kill everyone to rule over them. 

Joshua 17: Manasseh gets their lot and the others get jealous

Synopsis:

The tribe of Manasseh went before Joshua and Eleazar the priest and said that Moses had promised them extra land. So they got an extra 10 lots in addition to what they had already been given.  They tried but failed to drive out the people who were already living there. Eventually they were able to get the Canaanites to pay tribute, but they gave up on driving them out. The children of Joseph complained that they only got one lot but Manesseh got 10 and Joshua told them that if they wanted extra land they should go out and survey it. The children of Joseph said no, that the people who lived on the hill had chariots of iron. So Joshua told them not to be afraid.

In other words:

Manessah argued and got 10 extra lots and that made the other children of Joseph jealous. Joshua told them if they wanted extra land, they needed to get off their bottoms and go get it.

What I liked: 

There is a town of Endor. Seriously – there is. (Joshua 17: 11) It’s apparently right next door to Dor.

Favorite quote:

Joshua 17: 15: And Joshua answered them, if thou be a great people, then get thee up to the wood country, and cut down for thyself there in the land of the Perizzites and of the giants, if mount Ephraim be too narrow for thee.

Moral Lesson:

Stop complaining and do something to help yourself. 

and/or

Don’t expect everything to be handed to you. Some things you have to work for.

Joshua 18: The remaining 7 tribes divide up the remaining land

Synopsis:

Because the other 7 tribes had not yet asked for their land, Joshua chided them and told them to get going. They were to survey the remaining land, divide it into 7 parts and they would be given out to the tribes in lots. The first lot described went to children of Benjamin.

In other words:

Joshua had to tell the remaining tribes to stop procrastinating and get on with taking control of their lands.

Favorite bit:

That the lots will be decided by casting lots.  That’s what you get for not taking the time to demand the land you want. (Joshua 18: 6)

Favorite quote:

Joshua 18:3 That Joshua has to chastise the remaining tribes to take their land. “How long are ye slack to go to possess the land?”

Moral Lesson:

You snooze you loose.

Joshua 19: The rest of the lots are drawn and divvied out.

Synopsis:

First up, the children of Simeon get their lot, but it isn’t big enough so they are given part of the land promised to the children of Judah. So they got their inheritance within the inheritance of another group. Then The children of Zebulun got their lot. Then came the children of Issachar, then the children of Asher. The 6^th lot was for the children of Naphtali and finally the children of Dan got theirs. Once all this was done, Joshua took the city of Timnathserah on mount Ephraim and there he built a city and lived.

In other words:

The rest of the land was divided up.

Least favorite bit:

Reading land surveys is really hard. It’s not easy to focus because the place names, while I am sure you could map them are meaningless for the most part.

Favorite bit:

That the children of Judah had to give up some of their land to the children of Simeon. Don’t know why I enjoyed that, but it at least felt like something interesting was happening.

Moral Lesson:

Dividing things up fairly isn’t easy.

and/or

Take care of business quickly, don’t let it fester

Joshua 20: Cities of Refuge for the Slayer set aside

Synopsis:

God tells Joshua to set aside cities of refuge and then explains what those are. It turns out that cities of refuge are places where if a person accidentally kills someone else, they can find refuge in a city of refuge and not be turned over to an angry mob bent on revenge. Instead, once you are inside of a city of refuge, will be made to stand before the congregation and defend themselves.

In other words:

A system to ensure blood feuds don’t erupt was put into place.

Favorite bit:

It makes sense to provide for a system of trial so that you don’t end up with blood feuds if it turns out that it was an accident.

Least favorite bit:

You can’t go back home until the high priest dies and the new priests don’t want to care for you anymore. (Joshua 20: 6)

Moral Lesson:

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

and/or
Don’t take blood revenge for accidents.